Also, I want to be miles inland when the end of the world comes.
Long Island is a shadow. Suburbia is a prison for the soul and makes it rot slowly but steadily. To think I might have to spend winter break here because of purely bureaucratic reasons seems grim as fuck.
The city has brought me joy and panic in equal amounts and I’ll always be grateful for that.
But I can’t wait to go back to my rust belt town where smiles are more genuine. I wanna get a car and drive up to Syracuse or Rochester whenever the hell I want. I wanna go to house shows, I wanna go to the Belmar and get pleasantly drunk and dance at Merlin’s and enjoy my fair amount of academic pressure.
I wonder if anyone genuinely likes this place. If they feel they can grow here. Little boxes are all I see.
Maybe I just need to get really drunk and have an emotional breakdown again after sobering up in order to reset my CNS.
"The community" is full of people who will put your queerness to test. People who will doubt your gender and/or orientation because you don’t seem queer enough. People who will make you feel like shit, or at least try to, because at some point of your life you thought you were straight/cis and identified as such. People who will say you’re "too masculine" without even knowing you. People who will call you "fake" or "confused" for calling yourself bisexual, people who will call you "opportunistic" for calling yourself pansexual. People who will treat you like shit for realising you’re straight (or at least sticking to relationships of any kind with the opposite gender) or for going back to your former gender and sticking with it after a long time experimenting and discovering yourself. People who shittalk heteronormativity and cisnormativity (which I do too) but completely ignore the problem of orientation and gender stabilisation within the "community". People who will ostracise you for being uncomfortable with a label, for not liking the term "queer" because you think there’s nothing queer in being queer.
People who will go to parades and pridefully wave their rainbow flags and shout how much they support you while judging you for your identity, for not using X or Y arbitrary labels.
For saying you’re a human being, that you are more than your gender, sex and orientation.
The world is hard enough for us the way it is. Don’t make it harder.
A real community is welcoming and self-critical. Flying the same flag is never enough.
I’m 1130 dollars in debt